Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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