Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he was CRYING into my vagina
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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