the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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