The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
