i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
