It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
