she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
handjob tips. give me some.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
