He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
