The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
