Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
