Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
