you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
