I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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