What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
