I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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