I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
