I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
