Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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