Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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