Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
