I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
