He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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