Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
