There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
