It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
