Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
