before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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