I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
