Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
