i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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