I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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