Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
