I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
