And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Small penises have feelings too.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
