And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
