yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
