I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your penis caused this!
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