Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
