Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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