she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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