Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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