sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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