dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
