she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
