I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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