I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
