captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
