My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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