Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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