You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
