my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
